I had a conversation recently that reminded me how easy it is to listen while we’re already preparing our response.
I think most of us do this from time to time.
Someone says something we disagree with, and almost immediately our mind starts working.
That’s not what happened.
They’re missing part of the story.
Let me explain.
We may still be looking at the person and nodding, but we’re not really listening anymore.
We’re preparing our case.
I’ve been thinking about how different a conversation can feel when we resist that urge for just a little longer.
What if, before explaining our side, we asked another question?
“Tell me more about why you see it that way.”
Not because we’ve decided they’re right.
Because we’re curious.
There is an important distinction between understanding someone and agreeing with them.
I can understand why something matters to you without it becoming equally important to me.
I can understand why you interpreted a situation one way and still have a different interpretation.
I can listen to your feedback and decide that some of it is useful and some of it doesn’t fit.
We don’t lose ourselves by trying to understand another person.
In fact, I think the opposite can happen.
When we’re secure enough to listen without immediately becoming defensive, we usually have more information available to us.
Maybe we learn something we hadn’t considered.
Maybe we discover that the disagreement isn’t actually about what we thought it was.
Or maybe we listen carefully and still decide:
I see this differently.
That’s okay too.
This comes up frequently in leadership, but it certainly isn’t limited to the workplace.
It happens with partners, friends, family members, neighbors, and just about anyone else we spend enough time with.
We aren’t going to agree with one another all the time.
I’m not sure that’s even a useful goal.
Perhaps a better goal is becoming people who can stay curious when we don’t.
The next time you find yourself disagreeing with someone, notice what happens inside you.
Are you listening?
Or are you waiting for your turn to explain?
I’ve caught myself doing both.
And the conversations tend to go very differently…